FUN DAY IN RETREAT

HERE ARE SOME POSITIVE DESCRIPTIONS OF OUR SITUATION SOME FRIENDS HAVE PASSED ON TO ME:

-  It's like the world has pushed the "reset" button...we'll be better and sharper on the other side of this

- People have time to create music and art.  It's a renaissance of sorts!  

-  Families and friends that live far apart, are talking and using FACETIME.  I even used Facetime to talk with the people I love in Palestine last week.  To me it's almost like magic!  

AN EVENING AT WORKCAMP

-Parents are spending quality time with their children.

- The election is on the back burner...at least for the folks I talk with.  This pandemic has put things in perspective.  

- People are making a concerted effort to be positive.  The ol' "I'm gonna do my part!"


I gave my ANCESTRY.COM password to several friends since I am not getting on until fall.  Genealogy is a terrific pastime.  

HERE ARE A FEW FUNNIES

OHHHHH GOLDEN GIRLS

   

Ohhhhhhh MOMMY DEAREST!!

BLAST FROM THE PAST

I have always been intimidated by the fact I didn't go to college.  I found out I could sing so I paid my rent by using my talent.  

My singing telegram days.  This is me and Pearl Bailey....she smelled like lilacs.



David K. and I drove to New Jersey to his and George's photographer to do head shots for my singing jobs.  

WE JOKED THAT THIS TOP PIC LOOKED LIKE A TAMPAX AD.

THIS WAS BEFORE FARRAH FAWCETT HAIR
IT LOOKED MORE LIKE LORETTA LYNN HAIR LOL 

GETTING TIRED 

Oh Lordy!!! Glamour Shots!!

AND WHERE ARE MY EYEBROWS!!!!!  

I know I am super critical of whatever I do.  You'd think I would be more tough skinned with all the critiques....jobs I didn't get.  I couldn't see that I was actually making my rent, etc....and that people enjoyed hearing me.  Consequently, I panic at any rejection, or disapproval....that's why I think I didn't sing or play for 30 some years. I was afraid of disapproval from people close to me.  I took a risk in many areas of  my life the past few months. Now I believe I am paying for being too open too quickly.  Yep, I have been a silly fool, like my song says. Good thing though...I have had plenty of time to understand my actions.

I just recently banged out seven songs by sitting my phone on the piano and recording them.  I didn't have the capability of stopping if I made a mistake and dubbing in, so I had to sing straight through each song... mistakes and all.  AND THAT'S ALL I HEAR!!!  I hear the wrong words, the untuned piano, places where I sang flat , the ceiling fan and the squeeky piano pedal, my breathing...and even places where I think I sound like yodeling!  The songs aren't a very good gift for the loves I am singing about.  I've just got to deal with it until I'm able to arrange them in a better place.  

They are precious songs to me because they include people I love.  I was so glad to get to talk to my old friend Tippi the other day on the phone because many of the phrases and parts of the songs are about her love challenges.  My voice is so low now, but I am trying to embrace it and learn to control it.  I am also challenged on the piano.  In fact, a couple of the songs on the CD are accapella because I just can't make the piano do what I hear in my head.  There is a song called SCHOOL GIRL I thought Edyth could use in one of her plays, but I just couldn't accompany it the way I needed to.  Strange song for me.  

Since bundling the songs on a CD, I have written much, much more.  The newer songs are much much better.  I wake in the middle of the night with a sweet melody....words....I have never had music & lyrics come at such a rapid speed.  

It's a really good feeling to have all of this, but the depth of it is so emotional.  David says that's what makes it good.  When I sang piano bars, I always sang the songs to pull people in...not entertain across the room.  Now I am just beginning to get that power back.  

This is coming at a perfect time for me also.  Workcamp is my identity.  It is who I am.  The idea that it might not happen this summer is like taking my identity away.  So, I all of a sudden I am not the leader of folks this summer, I am no longer a wife figure, I am no longer anyone's special someone, and I am trying to make sense of all this while confined to Deer Run.  It's a good process though so I don't know what I'm whining about LOL

So, I am trying to make the best use of my time.  I am trying not to grieve people and things lost and have regrets about.  But it hurts.  Especially when I have to put on the face and cloak of encouragement for others. I am good at that though and it does make me encouraged when I can help others.  

Ok, quit bitchin and do something.  That's what I will continue to do!  
I just need to keep moving forward.  It's been only recently that I have wavered.  I can do this.  

PHONE CHIRPING

My phone woke me this morning.  About every two minutes it would say "VERIZON" in the dark about 6am.It was actually pretty creepy ...a strange voice saying one word over and over.  I don't know what kind of sign that was supposed to be but I was a bit unnerved by it.  

Here's my little Louie.  Gave him a bath Monday.  He hates baths.  He's such a forgiving little guy though :)

We usually ride down to the mailbox and I then I take him for a little ride down Deer Run with me holding on to his tail as he hangs out the window.  It's his treat each day.  

I have a list of to do things that I try to accomplish each day.  I've been doing this since about 1990.  One of the tasks on my list each day is "DO SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO BUT NEEDS TO BE DONE".  

Well, today I'll start the TCW 990 Taxes for non-profits.  (yawn)

I'm probably not going to be very sharp.  I got hooked on a tv show last night that lasted until 2:30am....didn't fall asleep until 4am....then Mr. Verizon's voice woke me at 6am.  Surely I'll be able to grab a nap today.  The tv show was an experiment...I don't know why I got sucked into it. 
 It was called "LOVE IS BLIND".  These men and women talked to each other through walls  for a month.  Selecting who they enjoyed talking with the most and gradually talking with a partner exclusively. 

There is a marriage proposal before the pod doors are opened so these folks are marrying each other sight unseen, relying only on the long conversations they have had behind walls.  Yes, I was snookered into it just like FLIRTY DANCING. It was fun to watch, but the bottom line is that I now need sleep LOL.

Here's some relaxing music to GOOGLE and listen on the phone.  It's  fun to share what music you are listening to.  Right now I'm into the "oldies":

UNFORGETABLE - Nat & Natalie Cole         
THE VERY THOUGHT OF YOU - Nat C. Cole   
THE NEARNESS OF YOU - Nora Jones          
I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE - Carole King
YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND - James Taylor
SHALLOW - Lady GAGA
DOCK OF THE BAY - Otis Redding
IT'S NOT TOO LATE - Nora Jones
RESCUE - Lauren Daigle
YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE OF MY LIFE - Steve Wonder
SATURDAY IN THE PARK - by Chicago
NOT TOO LATE - Nora Jones
I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME - Bonnie Raitt (an oldie but a goody)
OLD TIME ROCK & ROLL - by Three Dog Night
UNCHAINED MELODY - The Righteous Brothers

OK...enough for now!  
MOVIE CLASSIC:  "DOUBLE JEOPARDY"  Tommy Lee Jones & Ashley Judd 

Gonna try this sleep thing:)
                           

TRUTH

This post is for all my friends, family and people I love that are hanging on to their sobriety during this time. This post may seem dramatic, but having witnessed death at the hands of vices and addictions, nothing is too dramatic to say if it will push someone I love toward help and love. I am well acquainted with addiction.....depression....and the painful battle it is to love someone that is in this fray.  It is in my blood and in all my relatives.  

To add to this, all nuances and schedules and patterns are torn to shreds right now. Gone are those physical activities that stay off yearnings and help make us so sleepy and exhausted that bodies and brains just fall into bed each night.  For those of us that live alone, whether we admit it or not, it isn't easy.  We are used to saying "oh, I live alone, but I am not lonely".  Well, this Covid thing has infiltrated us with loneliness whether we want to admit or not.

And now not only are those daily routines busted, but our sense of touch and communication is wrecked.   During this strange time, the struggle is to just make it positively through the day.  It's doubly hard for some people to rely on others right now when they push against that very thing in their normal lives.  

 For us who have been on the sidelines it is equally as painful , if not more to watch and know what is going on in secret.  

We get the brunt of the anger, the frustration and the fear in abrupt, cold or pointed answers to any suggestions or questions.. Or maybe we aren't on the receiving end of all of that because the other side of the coin is solitude and silence. It doesn't matter, both have the ability to crush a person into a million pieces more than once in their lifetime.  

I have had to be so careful  around addiction.  It is in my DNA.  I've smelled it.  I've been in the middle of it, trying to make things better, when there was no better.  I have seen it kill physically and kill relationships.  My father....my grandfather....my uncle...my brother...my friends...young campers.  The only thing that makes addiction more deadly is a gun.  I've been in the middle of that too.  

So, I know.  I know what is happening.  I can feel it.  It is familiar.  There is no hiding it from me.  

I do know, the one thing that addiction doesn't numb or kill.....and that is LOVE.

Getting through this time and holding on to sobriety & life cannot be done alone.  
I don't care who you are, where you are, what is happening ....reach out to someone.  
Call someone .  Talk with someone.  There is no judgement when you talk with someone who loves you.  That person doesn't care who you are and what you have done.  Help is unconditional with people who love you...who truly love you.  

Everyone is wanting the same thing.  To be connected.  To have purpose.  To have someone care about them.  We all just handle it in different ways.  We all want approval no matter what age we are.  Asking for comfort or help from someone , if it is the right person or people, will have no bearing on approval and love.

My brother came crawling through my bedroom window one night...scared and afraid.  My dad, who was an incredible businessman and soldier, wandered a parking lot one night so ill.  My uncle had the best sense of humor of anyone I have known.  He sat in his chair night after night after night until he was gone.  

The life saving force in each of these scenarios...LOVE.  In the background, never judging were people that loved.  People we could share our secrets with,  even if we felt unloved,  unworthy, failing and falling apart.   

We can't let this crazy time do us in!  We are better, smarter even if we are human.  And we are each loved by someone in this world.  So connect.  Take inventory and if you don't like that inventory, begin creating new.  I bang on the piano, cry and just let it go. Yes, that is a hidden, secret part of my life.  I have learned though to reach out during difficult days.   For me it is so insane that all of this virus madness coincides with an awakening that started for me about about 4 months ago.  I will be better for this even though it hurts.

We will come out on the other side of this better.  So if any of you, young or old, are struggling with addiction... food,.alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, or obsessions with guns and other killers....REACH OUT  to professionals or at least to someone who you think might love you.  Chances are, they know already what you are going through....and are just waiting for your voice on the other end of the phone line.   

I ESCAPED FOR A BIT!!

Yes, I escaped Deer Run for a little bit this morn. I drove through Walgreen's for meds!  BIG TRIP!  Our governor is on right now.  He does a news update with his experts and answers questions from the gathering.  Every day.  I love him.  He is so low key.  He is a physician.  He relies on data and science.  This group is saying if everyone will do their part, there is a good chance we can see relief in two to three months.  

It is this little beauty's 33rd birthday today.  It is the strangest of birthdays (heaven only knows what she has in her diaper!)  We are hardly acknowledging it today and focusing on our celebrations for the future!  P.S. I do know that she has Matchbox cars in her purse! 

The mandate has come down from the GHS Class of '70 Reunion Committee.  The date has been moved to August 2020.I think this is WONDERFUL news.  Now perhaps folks that couldn't come in May can now make the trip.  I'm still on the fence....but don't feel as pressured to think about it now.  

 I spend about 30 minutes every other day trying to fulfill my promise to look through old photos for the reunion.  I've already pulled some news articles together for Rudy, and am now looking through my own little film camera pictures I had stored away.  The one on the right is my JR class picture.  Only reason I can tell is because of what I am wearing. 

JUST ANOTHER NEEDED FUNNY!

So each night I make at least one square while I watch TV.  This afghan is one that I gave to Spencer and Abby for a wedding gift last December.  Since we are all quarantined, I am pulling out all of my random colored yarn and going to start another.  If all goes well, I should have another afghan ready by the end of all this craziness.  , 

So now that I have opened myself up again into music, I can't get enough.  I am fascinated by words and their meanings as lyrics.  It was so good to talk with Tippi the other day and share with her that I had written songs about her and the married a-hole she stayed with for 10 years only to have him dump her for a girl 10 years younger.   She has a good heart...a tender heart, but boy was she guarded on the phone. I hope she is OK.  I feel from personal experience, that if someone is guarded it is for a reason.  I have been unguarded for about 3 months now....and I believe I opened up too much.  So, now my saving grace is music.  It lets me feel whatever I want openly.  I don't have to be afraid about music making me cry anymore. I can embellish and lie in my songs.  I can release fantasies and stories in my songs.  It's so therapeutic.  It is too much for people around me....especially if they are woven into the songs somewhere.  That's a strong drink...as witnessed by me when I talked to Tip and another friendship.  So, I'm going back into the closet with my songs for a bit.  I'll be more selective who gets to hear them.  

Anyway, I've been watching AMERICAN IDOL and all these beautiful talented kids with words that express true feelings.  Their lyrics make mine sound so mild. And my low, low voice makes me feel like a dinosaur.  I have no desire to perform again...anywhere.  Well, maybe privately but certainly never again to make a living.  It would be wonderful for others with beautiful controlled voices to sing my lyrics though.  

This was the simple lyrics of a country singer, Lauren Mascitti, that she wrote for her "nana".  So beautiful and plain.  

-----------------------------------------------

God made a man and He looked around at the birds in the air and beast of the ground

He said "Adam, my boy, you look a little down"

So God made a woman.

He took a little beauty and He took a little grace, a whole lot of passion & a whole lot of grace

And He put it all together and He gave it a name....

God made a woman.

God made a woman to hold the hand of the sick & the weak & the broken man

To fully love and to fill the land with beating hearts of fire

What you gonna do when your heart gets cold & you need somebody to feed your soul

He said it ain't no good for a man to be alone....

So God made a woman.

He said it ain't no good for a man to be alone...

So God made a woman

--------------------------------------------------

Yep, I sobbed at these lyrics.  And at every other set of words that were strung together for lyrics for these young singers' songs.....

-------------------------------------------------

Phrases like:

" Falling feels like flying 'til you hit the ground"

"I'm gonna love you...like I'm gonna lose you"

"You only need a fire when you're cold..

 You only need a drink when whiskey's all you have to hold"

" I was gettin' kind of used to being someone you might love..."

"Givin' up isn't in my blood..."

"Buried in my soul like California gold..."

-----------------------------------------------------

I mean, dear God, these kids are kids, so where did they reach to find words like all of these?  I think I write pretty good words and phrases, but not at 20 years old!!! Good Gravy!

Change subject.  The house on the corner is the old house that Al & Ben bought for $80,000 four years ago in a part of Richmond that they took a chance on.  It needs repairs but the main things are new....heat/air/elec, etc.  Now the neighborhood is gradually filling with young couples refurbishing  It's not their forever home.  They want to move out into Ashland or someplace where they can be close to their jobs in the city....but have "goats".  It's listed now at $145,000.  Very thankful.. 

Time for me to move on a bit.  As I close for the afternoon, here is an email out of the blue that I received the other day.  It's people like this that keep me moving forward....especially now.  I know it's hard to read, but by clicking on the picture, it can be read.  I don't remember "Judy".  All I know is that she gave me love and encouragement the other day right when it was needed. It's obvious that she would accept me if I were to let her see the "real" me....not one of the "faithful" she imagines me to be.  I wish everyone had someone like "Judy" to help them feel loved each day. 

Thank you, Judy.  You are a healer:)

SOME MORNING FUNNIES

"RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK" Covid Version

BEAUTIFUL THINGS HAPPENING - BE ENCOURAGED

My sweet BECKY BOO...we waited 10 days....the biopsy on her liver was BENIGN!!! YES!!!
Now she can go forward with the radiation /chemo treatment for her pancreatic cancer.  This woman is unbeatable.  I love her beyond measure.  Little Delaney in her arms is now 15 years old.

Little Otis was born last night at the Alpaca farm next to Darlene & Randy in the NC mountains.  One of my favorite animals are "fainting goats".  And yes, they do fall over and pretend fainting!

The pool water is now up above the dark blue line.  Mr. Chuck, the pool guy,  took a water sample and now the pool is up and running.  I could actually jump in now if it wasn't so frigid:)  One day when the rain passes, I am going to paint all the rod iron furniture black.  That's a good activity to do alone and meditate and listen to the creatures and birds in the woods! 

 

Still making friends with the 61 keyboard and it's many, many synthesized sounds.  No songs on it yet, but it is going to make beautiful music!!

Today is my father's death date.  My grandmother, being dramatic I thought, said I would go into labor on March 23rd.  Al wasn't due for another month.  Long story short, my water broke and I went into labor at midnight March 23rd.  This beautiful girl was born the next day C section.  She is as beautiful inside as she is on the outside.  Math and numbers are her kryptonite....but words and languages...whoa!  She speaks fluent French, has a good grasp on Arabic, and is immersed in Spanish in her job.  She has compassion...works with refugees and immigrants.  Her job description says she is an interpreter services specialist.  She maintains a bank of interpreters that speak hundreds of languages. She is called to provide interpreters for VCU hospital and other hospitals, the court systems, police, schools, and lots of other situations where someone or their family doesn't speak English.  Her ability to understand world leaders and governments and customs is so beyond anything I could ever do  I could go on and on....When all this chaos is over, we will have a huge multicultural celebration.  Lots of interesting foods and festivities....And of course, we will all be hugging and holding hands and touching after this long drought of human touch. 

Nights are the hardest.  Don't get me wrong.  I have everything I need here except a friend or someone I care about sitting close.  All the girl talk in the world doesn't take away this empty feeling of what I thought was about to be.  OK, time to pull out the ol' lyric notebook.  Never realized this was going to be so therapeutic:) 
Actually, I am going to pull out all my crocheting yarn.  If I do one square a night, i can have a surprise afghan for Al for her birthday when we get outta the Covid occupation!

As a final before closing up shop, I saw this beautiful post and knew I had to spread it to as many as possible. I wish I knew who CD was.   It is simply too beautiful to comment on....so good night...peaceful dreams...and remember, you are never really alone, no matter what is happening in your life.  You are always...always loved by someone.