BLAST FROM THE PAST

I have always been intimidated by the fact I didn't go to college.  I found out I could sing so I paid my rent by using my talent.  

My singing telegram days.  This is me and Pearl Bailey....she smelled like lilacs.



David K. and I drove to New Jersey to his and George's photographer to do head shots for my singing jobs.  

WE JOKED THAT THIS TOP PIC LOOKED LIKE A TAMPAX AD.

THIS WAS BEFORE FARRAH FAWCETT HAIR
IT LOOKED MORE LIKE LORETTA LYNN HAIR LOL 

GETTING TIRED 

Oh Lordy!!! Glamour Shots!!

AND WHERE ARE MY EYEBROWS!!!!!  

I know I am super critical of whatever I do.  You'd think I would be more tough skinned with all the critiques....jobs I didn't get.  I couldn't see that I was actually making my rent, etc....and that people enjoyed hearing me.  Consequently, I panic at any rejection, or disapproval....that's why I think I didn't sing or play for 30 some years. I was afraid of disapproval from people close to me.  I took a risk in many areas of  my life the past few months. Now I believe I am paying for being too open too quickly.  Yep, I have been a silly fool, like my song says. Good thing though...I have had plenty of time to understand my actions.

I just recently banged out seven songs by sitting my phone on the piano and recording them.  I didn't have the capability of stopping if I made a mistake and dubbing in, so I had to sing straight through each song... mistakes and all.  AND THAT'S ALL I HEAR!!!  I hear the wrong words, the untuned piano, places where I sang flat , the ceiling fan and the squeeky piano pedal, my breathing...and even places where I think I sound like yodeling!  The songs aren't a very good gift for the loves I am singing about.  I've just got to deal with it until I'm able to arrange them in a better place.  

They are precious songs to me because they include people I love.  I was so glad to get to talk to my old friend Tippi the other day on the phone because many of the phrases and parts of the songs are about her love challenges.  My voice is so low now, but I am trying to embrace it and learn to control it.  I am also challenged on the piano.  In fact, a couple of the songs on the CD are accapella because I just can't make the piano do what I hear in my head.  There is a song called SCHOOL GIRL I thought Edyth could use in one of her plays, but I just couldn't accompany it the way I needed to.  Strange song for me.  

Since bundling the songs on a CD, I have written much, much more.  The newer songs are much much better.  I wake in the middle of the night with a sweet melody....words....I have never had music & lyrics come at such a rapid speed.  

It's a really good feeling to have all of this, but the depth of it is so emotional.  David says that's what makes it good.  When I sang piano bars, I always sang the songs to pull people in...not entertain across the room.  Now I am just beginning to get that power back.  

This is coming at a perfect time for me also.  Workcamp is my identity.  It is who I am.  The idea that it might not happen this summer is like taking my identity away.  So, I all of a sudden I am not the leader of folks this summer, I am no longer a wife figure, I am no longer anyone's special someone, and I am trying to make sense of all this while confined to Deer Run.  It's a good process though so I don't know what I'm whining about LOL

So, I am trying to make the best use of my time.  I am trying not to grieve people and things lost and have regrets about.  But it hurts.  Especially when I have to put on the face and cloak of encouragement for others. I am good at that though and it does make me encouraged when I can help others.  

Ok, quit bitchin and do something.  That's what I will continue to do!  
I just need to keep moving forward.  It's been only recently that I have wavered.  I can do this.